Break your chains and be who you want to be

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One week ago I have met a friend I haven’t seen for more than one year. When I noticed her, as she was waiting for me (yes, usually I am late for dates 😀 ), I immediately realized that something is different with her. It was strange, because she had the same pale brown curly hair weighted her shoulders, the same enormous black glasses underlining her powerful caracter, black shirt and thight jeans, and that same smile which in inseparable from her face. That face was built to smile. Ok, maybe her body was a little bit different, it seemd to be more trained than one year ago. She was somehow beautiful, glowing.

We have worked together for 4 years, we had the same fights, same desperation, same self-delusion and same curse until I have left that company for good. When I have quit I have burnt my bridges – till now. With this friend, let’s call her Stella, I wanted to meet again. I liked her very much, but we did not have that deep friendship which means bonding for years and helping each other through difficulties and share joys of life, but we could have it. We can have it!

We stated to catch up with each other’s last one year and I have realized why she was different, indeed. She had changed her attitude. She started to accept herself and love herself. That was the reason why she was glowing! She is working still for that shitty company but now the everyday stuff does not destroy her anymore as it killed me inside. Stella could talk about the facts she is facing with and I did not see the insourmountable desperation in her voice… She talked about her plans to change company, her ideas. She was positive. She was OK! Better than OK. One year ago she was sitting on the ruins of an unsaveable relationship and now she is happy and planning her baby with his boyfriend!

And she told me that she is not happy because of the relationship she has, she is not happy because of this great, new job opportunity she has, she is happy because she wanted to be happy! She broke her chains and good stuff came!

We had a long discussion about happiness, about our roles in the word, about how we can change, how our attitude can change. Stella told me she has read some books about behaviour, attitude and methods to overcome her struggles. Honestly, I am not a beliver, I do not swear to any life changing methods, but what is for sure, that I need to change! Even though I am not a beliver I think that positive visualization, acceptance and consciousness can not do any harm! 

I have spent my entire life with serving other one’s purpose and of course I have failed! Yes, this is a mission impossible. Why would I do a mission impossible? To be desperate and unsatisfied?

I need to break my chains and I want to be myself. I want to figure it out, who I am.

For this I have realized I need to follow these steps:

  •  I have to love myself. Because I am all right. Indeed.
  • When my subconscious tells me I am bad, I will fail, or anxiety appears, I need to stop it! Of course my subconscious tries to protect me but I do not need this kind of protection every time!
  •  I won’t worry about things I can not change. Like traffic jams of company hierarchy.
  •  Less sometimes is more. I have to take baby steps and figure it out that I like the road I have chosen or not.
  •  I wont do anything because it is expected from me. Of course I will go to work tomorrow, but I wont do anything which results in regret and anxiety. Like letting a relationship go too fast.
  •  Parallel with this I will take more predictable risk.
  •  I will do things based on my interest, not based on my talent in the certain area. Like I love to swim but I will never be able to swim 5000 m in 60 minutes and that is all right. 🙂

I am on the right way to break my chains! 🙂

The soul behind the rows

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When I read a personal blog I am enjoying I always wonder about the author’s personality: Who is this interesting individual? What is he/she like? What does please him/her? I would like to know the person despite he/she probably lives thousands of miles away from me.

 My interest, as I continue to read, is increasing by every new post I go through… But honestly, get to know somebody and ease curiosity is a “mission impossible”!

I have wondered, how I should introduce myself and I have realized that it would be almost nothing, if I would describe that where I do live, how old I am, what I am doing for living or are loving hearts waiting for me at home or not…

Instead of this socially recognized facts I would like to share one single moment of desired happiness:

 Imagine a door opening, you go outside… You need to get to used to the sight – dawn is just breaking… But in some seconds you are not anymore alone with your insights – your eyes can see through the dark, through the fog you catch he silhuette of the lake in the valley, flank with oaken and pine trees. It is almost freezing… You can feel the cold through your nightgown and fluffy sweater on your shoulders… It feels good, you feel alive! You tighten your fingers around the mug in your hands… You feel a slight wave of comfronting warm in your hands and it goes to your soul… You just stare the breaking dawn and the peaceful water in front of you while having small sips from the warm drink…

 This is my imagination about universal peace and happiness I would like to experience once…

What is your craved single moment of bliss?

Prologue

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Hello Big Word,

as many of you, I have decided to write a blog and share my thoughts about everyday stuff “of capital importance”.

Why did I come to this decision? I have also my own cursing butterfly effect leading me to acts driven by happiness or sadness, remorse, joy – full cavalcade of explainable but not understood feelings of mankind…

And of course – as “greater” purpose – I need to practice English, too 😉

About one year ago I have decided to write a book. I would not be honest if I would tell you that now I am planning the cover sheet for the first edition of my great story, but I am proceeding… For example, I have two prologues written, one of these is expressing my deepest inside, let stand those lines here:

“I have once heard a theory about choices in the life. It was resembled to a barbed-wire fence.  More precisely, to that one which is used to fence the chickens in the garden not to eat up everything and not to shit everywhere… Take a look at this fence. Do you see the junctions with the four wires at every joint? Good. One wire on the left side represents you and the other one represents an input you have to react on. The other two lines on the right side are symbolizing your possible answers to the interaction. You will choose one way instead of another and this will lead you to another choice you do not necessary would have to consider in case of taking the other path. And it can also happen that completely different actions will lead you to the same point on the fence line. You will never know. The tricky part is that you cannot go backward just forward. With every choice you will gain or loose something but you will have your certain past behind you influencing and constraining more and more your future steps. And sometime you will reach the top or the shitty bottom of the barbed-wire fence. And there won’t be any choices left.

And actually I did not just hear this metaphor. I have figured it out by myself at the age of 8 in the garden. However, I have taken several times willingly the wrong path. Not to mention the fact that while playing with the rusty wires I have hurt myself therefore the chicken fence was scrapped by grandma…

Be aware of the path you are taking…”

This prologue also stands as ars poetica for the upcoming posts about my life, my thoughs, my opinion, my choices…

“Weathervane”