One week ago I have met a friend I haven’t seen for more than one year. When I noticed her, as she was waiting for me (yes, usually I am late for dates 😀 ), I immediately realized that something is different with her. It was strange, because she had the same pale brown curly hair weighted her shoulders, the same enormous black glasses underlining her powerful caracter, black shirt and thight jeans, and that same smile which in inseparable from her face. That face was built to smile. Ok, maybe her body was a little bit different, it seemd to be more trained than one year ago. She was somehow beautiful, glowing.
We have worked together for 4 years, we had the same fights, same desperation, same self-delusion and same curse until I have left that company for good. When I have quit I have burnt my bridges – till now. With this friend, let’s call her Stella, I wanted to meet again. I liked her very much, but we did not have that deep friendship which means bonding for years and helping each other through difficulties and share joys of life, but we could have it. We can have it!
We stated to catch up with each other’s last one year and I have realized why she was different, indeed. She had changed her attitude. She started to accept herself and love herself. That was the reason why she was glowing! She is working still for that shitty company but now the everyday stuff does not destroy her anymore as it killed me inside. Stella could talk about the facts she is facing with and I did not see the insourmountable desperation in her voice… She talked about her plans to change company, her ideas. She was positive. She was OK! Better than OK. One year ago she was sitting on the ruins of an unsaveable relationship and now she is happy and planning her baby with his boyfriend!
And she told me that she is not happy because of the relationship she has, she is not happy because of this great, new job opportunity she has, she is happy because she wanted to be happy! She broke her chains and good stuff came!
We had a long discussion about happiness, about our roles in the word, about how we can change, how our attitude can change. Stella told me she has read some books about behaviour, attitude and methods to overcome her struggles. Honestly, I am not a beliver, I do not swear to any life changing methods, but what is for sure, that I need to change! Even though I am not a beliver I think that positive visualization, acceptance and consciousness can not do any harm!
I have spent my entire life with serving other one’s purpose and of course I have failed! Yes, this is a mission impossible. Why would I do a mission impossible? To be desperate and unsatisfied?
I need to break my chains and I want to be myself. I want to figure it out, who I am.
For this I have realized I need to follow these steps:
- I have to love myself. Because I am all right. Indeed.
- When my subconscious tells me I am bad, I will fail, or anxiety appears, I need to stop it! Of course my subconscious tries to protect me but I do not need this kind of protection every time!
- I won’t worry about things I can not change. Like traffic jams of company hierarchy.
- Less sometimes is more. I have to take baby steps and figure it out that I like the road I have chosen or not.
- I wont do anything because it is expected from me. Of course I will go to work tomorrow, but I wont do anything which results in regret and anxiety. Like letting a relationship go too fast.
- Parallel with this I will take more predictable risk.
- I will do things based on my interest, not based on my talent in the certain area. Like I love to swim but I will never be able to swim 5000 m in 60 minutes and that is all right. 🙂
I am on the right way to break my chains! 🙂